Pop the kettle on lovelies and pour yourself a lovely warm cup of your choosing, its time we caught up.
I cant believe its been almost 2 months since my last post. How did that happen?
As you may or may not know in previous posts I mention my daily struggle with anxiety and depression. Well at the start of December the darkness felt like it was starting to take control of my life again. Now December is one of my favourite months, I love Christmas! I love buying presents for family and friends, decorating the house, getting all excited for Santa. Except this time I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t decorate the house, shopping didn’t excite me it just made me have panic attacks, I felt so down and lost. This wasn’t me at all. This feeling was putting quite a strain on my relationship. My boyfriend didn’t know how to handle me, his way with dealing with it was going away at the weekends spending time with his friends. I get that he thought in some way that he was helping me by giving me my space but that was not what I needed. Being on your own with your own dark thoughts is not always the best solution. I didn’t want to tell my friends what I was going through again, it was coming to Christmas and everyone was all excited I didn’t want to be the downer.
My relationship ment everything to me but no matter how much I tried to explain what I was feeling I could see sadness, confusion and hurt in his eyes. I realised that what I needed to do was put myself first. I needed to stop worrying about others and start putting myself first. It was time to take control of my life. So with that we knew it was time to end.
Having that conversation was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We didn’t dislike one another or hold anything against the other. I guess in a way we knew it was going to happen we just didn’t want to admit it. I wanted him to be happy and I felt I was dragging him down into the darkness. Over the next few weeks I began to pack up some things to move back home to my mum and stepdads. I knew I wouldn’t be alone there and that my family wanted to help in anyway they could. We agreed that Zach and Winston the cat will stay, I miss my little saviours so much but I know they are now being my ex’s little saviours and helping him get through this difficult time.
Adjusting to life back home has been weird. I have only been back 3 weeks and I still feel like I’m just staying over for a few days. Even though I have hit a few walls I do feel that the right choice was made. I am getting time to myself but I don’t feel lonely or as lost. I have this support system here from both my mum and my step dad. My step sister and her husband live close by too so if I want out the house I can just text. I’m back to living near the beach so I can just take a walk down to clear the cobwebs in a mater of minutes. Work have been very supportive and so have family and friends. I’m still speaking to my ex, we want the best for each other and are hoping to remain friends.
I am finally having my time to just breathe and it feels good.
Thank you for your patience