It was not long after I turned 26 I started to feel down. I’m usually quite the happy and positive one but suddenly there was no spring in my step, I wasn’t sleeping properly, I wasn’t socializing with friends. All I was doing was getting up to go to work, coming home then go back to bed to just get up and repeat the same thing the next day. I was pushing friends and family away. My relationship with my boyfriend was on the rocks he could see I wasn’t myself and it was upsetting him but I refused to believe him that something was wrong. I was too scared that I was going to lose him. Then my good friend anxiety decided to say hello and I was lost in a world of darkness and loneliness. I would scrape my hands with my nails whenever I was out the house feeling on edge that my hand would bleed. Panic attacks would come creeping up on me, feeling hot and claustrophobic with difficulty breathing. It sometimes would cause a bit of attention, I would get some serious stares and dirty looks.
I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve anything good in my life and I was going to feel like this forever. I reached the point where I thought “what if I wasn’t here?” would life be simpler?! It might be simpler for me as I wouldn’t be feeling like this anymore. But then I thought what about my boyfriend, my family and my friends?! Then I thought about things I still wanted to experience and tick off my list, places I wanted to go and visit, things I wanted to see. I realised that if I was to end it all it would all be a waste of a life, it was then that I realised I needed help.
Having suffered from this sort of thing before in my teens I knew it was going to be a long process but I am determined to beat it. When I first went to my doctor I explained everything to her and from then on I have been seeing her every couple of weeks to check in with her on how I’m doing and to top up my medication if I need it. I do believe that the medication I am on really has improved my mood in the sense that I don’t feel as low as I did. It made me feel really groggy and tired at first but once it was in my system I started to feel a slight improvement with my mood. From there I have seen 2 different types of therapists which have been helping me to get to the root of my troubles and helping me find ways on how to cope. I will probably do a post on things I have tried so far like self-help books, mindfulness breathing and colouring books.
I’m putting this out there so if anyone else feels the same or going through something similar, you’re not alone and help is out there.
What I have learnt so far is that this is an illness but its an illness that can be treated. It’s a battle that I can and will win. All I need to do is